


Strings

by squiggledrop



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Love, Love Confessions, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oral Sex, Smut, Songfic, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:22:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28056831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squiggledrop/pseuds/squiggledrop
Summary: Spencer and Reader have a friends with benefits arrangement. The only problem is, they both have feelings for each other. When Spencer admits his feelings, Reader doesn’t know if she can let herself give in to hers.- Song fic to Sex by Eden
Relationships: Spencer Reid & Reader, Spencer Reid & You, Spencer Reid/Reader, Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 8
Kudos: 73





	1. No Strings

Three months ago you and Spencer made a deal. The both of you were in desperate need of some sexual release, so it only made sense to help each other out. However, before engaging in your sexual relationship, you made sure to set some ground rules. The most important one being: no strings attached. 

For the past three months, everything had been great. You were more relaxed at work, and it was nice being able to find a sexual partner in a friend because it eliminated the awkwardness of finding a one night stand. Spencer was sleeping better, the horrors of his workdays didn’t seem as bad knowing he someone to go to each night to let out all his frustration at the world. It was nice having someone, even if it was strictly physical. 

The team had just gotten back from a case, and, like always, you drove Spencer and yourself to his apartment to let off some steam. When you stepped inside, Spencer pushed you up against the door causing it to slam shut. His plump lips attached to yours as his hands ran up your back. You shuddered under his touch and moaned into the kiss, giving him more access which he gladly accepted. He used one hand to grab your cheek and the other to trace the curves of your body. You ran your fingers through his hair as you pressed yourself further into him. He moaned at the added friction to his crotch and began massaging your hip, only intensifying the heat that swelled at your core. 

He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his torso. You smiled into the kiss as he squeezed your butt, eliciting an endearing smirk from you. Spencer couldn’t help but match your smile as he looked into your glowing eyes. He began to trail kisses down your neck, causing you to moan, as he carried you into the bedroom. He laid you down on the bed and crawled on after you. He hovered over you, never letting his mouth leave your neck. Your moans grew louder as he began to suck, being sure to cover you with marks. You ran your nails over his clothed back and began to squirm underneath him, desperate for some relief. He looked down at you and chuckled at how desperate you were. When he looked into your eyes, he couldn’t help but smile at how beautiful you looked underneath him. 

“Spencer, please”, you whined, looking up at him with innocent eyes that you knew would always make him cave. You saw the desire and lust that fueled his eyes, and you could feel the wetness that pooled in your panties. He leaned back down and trailed slow, wet kisses along your jaw as his hands slipped under the fabric of your shirt, pulling it off of you. Spencer wasted no time in exploring your newly exposed skin and trailed his kisses down your chest, making sure to reinforce the marks that littered your skin from the last time you were together. Your moans grew louder as his mouth traveled lower. When he reached the waistband of your pants, he hastily slid them off of you, taking your panties with them. You shuddered at the sudden cold air hitting your burning skin, and shoved your hands around Spencer’s head, desperate for the warmth of his mouth to consume your throbbing pussy. 

Spencer kissed your clit, causing your legs to tighten around his head, only for him to push your knees apart. He grunted and looked up at you, a fierce possessiveness radiating through his glare. Spencer loved seeing you like this, so vulnerable and desperate for him, and he wanted to make sure he could see all of it. He placed his hands on the soft skin of your inner thighs, making sure you stayed on display for him, as he brought his face back to where you needed him most. He licked up and down your folds and tightened his grip on your thighs as he felt you shaking from his touch. He lapped up the arousal that was pouring out of you, and then brought his tongue up to your clit and began circling around the nub. You were a moaning mess, jerking your hips to meet his face as you tugged the curls on his head. Spencer took your clit into his mouth, the feeling causing you to arch your back off the bed in pleasure. He could feel his pants getting tighter, you moaning his name and your slickness covering his face only increased his own arousal. Encouraged by your desperate gasps and whimpers, he inserted two fingers through your folds, smirking against your core as he felt your walls clench around them. He increased his thrusts while continuing to sweep his tongue around your pulsing bud. With him no longer holding your legs open, you squeezed his head between your thighs while drowning in pleasure. His thrusts were hitting right where you needed and screamed his name, letting him know how good he felt inside you. He moaned into you, intoxicated by the feeling of your legs suffocating him while your walls swallowed his fingers. The vibrations from his throat were what pushed you over the edge. You screamed his name over and over as you trembled. Spencer was only encouraged by this, making sure to lick all of the juices that flowed out of you. 

When you finally came down, your mouth was hung open as you tried to catch your breath. You looked down to see Spencer’s fingers shining, covered in your release. He put his fingers in his mouth as he made his way up to you, making sure to suck off every last drop. You moaned at the sight and reached out for him, running your hands over his shoulders. Spencer crashed his lips against yours, moaning into your mouth. You could taste yourself on him and quickly felt your arousal growing again. Not daring to break the heated kiss, you began to unbutton Spencer’s shirt. You ran your hands over his toned chest as he shrugged off the shirt and threw it to the side. Your hands glided down his chest until you reached his groin. You cupped his bulge and began pumping him through his pants. His mouth hung open as he buried his head into your neck, whimpering at how good you were making him feel. He reached down and quickly unbuckled his pants, you helping him slide them off. His achingly hard member sprung up to his stomach, and you wrapped your hand around him, running your thumb over the tip of his cock.

“Want you to ride me”, he said through a shaky breath. Spencer knew he wouldn’t last much longer if you kept your hand on him, and he desperately wanted to be inside of you when he came. You happily obliged, nodding as you let him lay down before straddling his hips. His arms reached around your back, unclasping your bra. Your breasts spilled out for him, and he tweaked your nipples between his fingers. You threw your head back in pleasure and lifted your hips so that your entrance teased his tip. His hands left their grip on your breasts and traced their way down to your waist. He began rubbing circles with his thumbs on your hips, and you abruptly sank your hips down, taking all of him in. You both moaned at the sensation before you quickly lifted your hips, only to come down even harder. Spencer’s grip on your hips tightened as he pulled you down and thrust up into you at the same time. Your breasts bounced along with your hips, and Spencer swore he could come at the sight. He felt his orgasm rapidly building, and flipped the two of you over so that he was now pounding into you. He quickened his pace, slamming into you so hard that you screamed in pleasure. Spencer was lost in the feeling of you around him, and his mind went foggy. Between the harmony of both of your moans and screams, he let slip the three words he knew he wasn’t supposed to say.

“I love you”, he moaned, into your shoulder. Your eyes shot open and you could hear Spencer gasp at the realization of what he said. The moment he let it slip he instantly regretted it. Despite having felt this way about you for so long, he knew it wasn’t what you wanted. Panic bubbled within him, terrified of you just shoving him off of you then and there. You didn’t know what to do, but you were so close to your orgasm that you decided to just pretend you didn’t hear it. You scratched his back with your nails digging into his skin. 

“Faster”, you gasped into his ear. You wrapped your legs tighter around him, pulling him in even deeper. He pounded into the spot that made you scream, and you were drowned in a wave of pleasure. Spencer felt you flutter around his cock, your warm juices dripping down his cock, and that was enough to send him over the edge. He continued to thrust into you, letting you both ride out your orgasms. 

When he pulled out of you, he quickly got up, terrified of how you would react to his confession, and went into the bathroom. When he left, you looked up at the ceiling in shock. The silent room never felt so loud. How dare he, you thought, he promised. He promised he wouldn’t let feelings get in the way. What you had right now was so good. You got to hang out with your best friend while having mind-blowing sex. Why did he have to complicate things? Of course, you loved him, but that wasn’t the point. You wouldn’t let yourself get hurt again, you couldn’t. 

Spencer stared at himself in the mirror, trying to gain the courage to look you in the face. What was he going to do? He knew he loved you, he’s known for so long. He took in a deep breath and braced himself before going back into the bedroom. When he walked in, he cautiously went back towards his side of the bed. You didn’t acknowledge his presence, the only indication you were alive being the sound of your breathing. He climbed back into the bed and laid on his back, matching your position of staring at the ceiling, not quite sure what to do next.

**_And I said, "what's up?_ **

**_What you been thinking?"_ **

**_'Cause you've been staring at that roof so long I'd swear it's come alive_ **

Heavy breaths filled the room as you and Spencer still tried to catch your breath. After what felt like an eternity, he finally looked over at you and noticed you were still staring blankly at the ceiling. The moonlight peeked in through the blinds, the silver light dusting your naked form. He looked you up and down, admiring the shadows that the curves of your body formed. The peaks of your breasts rose with each breath you took in. Spencer knew he messed up, but, he also felt relieved after finally getting to say what he had been keeping bottled up for so long. He bit his top lip, paranoid about what you were thinking.

“Are you okay?”, he asked. You took in a sharp breath, not really sure how to answer him. You kept your eyes glued to the ceiling, not daring to look at him. Obviously, you knew the answer to his question:  _ No, Spencer. I’m not okay. Because you just told me you love me and I love you too, but I can’t. So, thanks for ruining this. _

“I’m fine”, you deadpanned, willing the tears that pooled in your eyes to go away. You wanted to give in so bad. To turn your head and look at him. You just wanted to see the warm eyes that always made you feel safe. You wanted him to hold you in his arms and protect you from the rest of the world. You wanted so badly to just stay in this bed with him for eternity. But, that’s not how things work. Despite your attempts to maintain a stoic composure, Spencer could see right through it. He always could. He could see the millions of thoughts swarming your brain and how hard you were fighting them off.

“(Y/n), you’re not. What’s wrong?”, he cautiously asked. When you still didn’t look at him, he went to touch your cheek, but you quickly turned away. You rolled over so he was facing your back and he let out a breath in defeat. He knew this was his fault and that he broke the one rule the two of you had: no feelings. 

From the start, you were adamant about your relationship being strictly physical. Spencer didn’t know the full story, but he knew you were hurt badly in past relationships and were hesitant to engage in another. You and Spencer had been friends for a few months after you had started at the BAU. You knew how complicated work relationships could get, but that didn’t stop the obvious sexual tension that formed between the two of you. Given your line of work, maintaining a prolific sex life was difficult, so, when you and Spencer hooked up one late night in your shared hotel room, it just felt right. It was convenient. At least that’s what you told yourself. You couldn’t bear the thought of losing Spencer because you let feelings get in the way as you had with so many others. Spencer was your colleague and friend, so after that first night, you had made sure to set some rules so neither of you would get unrealistic expectations. You both had promised to keep feelings out of, whatever you were, and just use each other for physical relief. The only problem was, both of you had quickly broken that rule. Spencer, however, was the idiot that had to say it out loud for the whole world to know.

**_And she spoke nine words_ **

**_And now we're sinking_ **

**_But I can't find it in myself to want to lie to keep this thing from going down_ **

**_'Cause that girl took my heart_ **

**_And I ain't want it back_ **

“This is the last time we’re ever doing this”, you stated calmly, despite your mind yelling at you to just turn around and kiss him. You closed your eyes as you tried to steady your wavering breath. You couldn’t let him know how much it pained you to force those words out of your mouth. You couldn’t let him know that however much you were hurting him, it was hurting you even more. 

Spencer, however, felt like you might as well have just stabbed him in the heart and then twisted the knife around for good measure. He wanted to tell you that he knew you loved him too. Because he did, and there was no way you couldn’t not be feeling the same thing he was. The way your eyes lit up when you saw him could only be explained by love. The way you leaned into his touch could only be explained by love. The way you moaned his name when you were together could only be explained by love. The way the two of you could only get a good night’s sleep when it was spent in each other’s arms could only be explained by love. At least that’s what he had to tell himself to not go insane at the words you just uttered.

**_And I should've kept my silence_ **

**_But I guess I'm too attached to my own pride to let you know_ **

**_That all these words meant nothing_ **

**_And I've always been this heartless_ **

**_And we were just having sex no I would never call it love_ **

Despite how he yearned to pull you into his chest and never let you go as he told you all the ways in which he loves you, he was still a genius and a profiler, and he knew it would be pointless. His jaw clenched as he bit his tongue. He opened his mouth, trying to string together any combination of words that would get you to stay. He didn’t want to lose you and he would do anything to take back what he said.

“Look, I-I didn’t mean it. I just got caught up in the moment, it was stupid.” Spencer desperately tried to speak through his clenched throat and watery eyes. Your heart sank at his words. The thought of him not feeling the growing love between the two of you was too much. You knew it was selfish and that he didn’t deserve to be treated like this, but you loved him, and you didn’t want to do more damage than what has already been done. But, if he really did mean it, you didn’t think you could handle having to look at him knowing that he didn’t feel the same desire you did. No matter what either of you says, you know you won’t be able to pretend anymore. You wouldn’t be able to kiss him without wanting to say it back. You wouldn’t be able to hold him without never wanting to let go. You wouldn’t be able to look him in the eye without picturing a future together. 

**_But love_ **

**_Oh no, I think I'm catching feelings_ **

**_And I don't know if this is empathy I feel_ **

**_Just hold on_ **

**_Remember why you said this was the last time?_ **

You couldn’t believe how far you let this go and how deep you let yourself fall for him. It wasn’t fair to either of you, and you knew that. But, your love for him was also the reason you couldn’t give in. You couldn’t subject him to your pain. If you two were to succumb to your feelings and then break up, you knew the pain would be infinitely worse. So, you decided to maintain your facade of indifference. He broke the rule, and that has consequences.

“It doesn’t matter. I can’t do this anymore.” You felt the tears burning your face as they fell from your eyes. You quickly brushed them away, but the salty taste lingered in your mouth. Spencer panicked, the fear of losing you becoming more of a reality with each moment that passed. 

“(Y/n)... Please, it’s just sex. Nothing has to change”, he begged. He knew it was a lost cause but he had to try. He would do anything for you. 

**_So I guess it's..._ **

**_Let die to let live_ **

**_And what's good_ **

**_When both choices I've got have us staring down the barrel to the bullets I can't stop?_ **

Spencer’s mind was racing as he waited for you to say something, to do anything, to react at all. He didn’t care if you hurt him. He would rather live with this constant pain in his chest, your hand suffocating his heart every day if it meant he could still be with you. He couldn’t lose you. He could survive you not reciprocating his feelings and having to face that truth every day. He could survive the constant reminder that you didn’t love him and never would. What he couldn’t survive was not having you there next to him every step of the way. 

What he didn’t know, however, was that you could. You could live with the pain of never being with him like this again. What you couldn’t survive was living with the pain while he was on the other side of the bed. You couldn’t survive him being so close, it being so easy to just reach out when you knew you couldn’t. You stared down at the floor, trying to build up the courage to make the hardest decision of your life. You knew you had to let him go. You had to give him a chance to be free of you and to be happy. You loved him so much. You loved him enough to know he deserved more. He deserved better. He deserved someone who could say it back. Someone who could reciprocate his feelings with passion. Someone who wasn’t afraid of hurting him. Someone who wasn’t you.

**_And so I stand off_ **

**_Like indecision's Kevlar_ **

**_'Til this fear of feeling stops and I'm done_ **

You turned over and sat up on the bed. Spencer let out an inaudible gasp when he finally saw your face. He quickly closed his mouth, not wanting to allude to the tears that were on the brink of flowing from his eyes. You took in a shaky breath, bringing yourself to look into his eyes. 

“No Spencer, it does have to change. You changed everything.” 

That was the moment. Spencer saw the streaks that stained your cheeks from your tears. He saw how hard you were biting your lip, surprised you weren’t drawing blood. He looked into your eyes and he saw the love that you kept captive in them. That was the moment he knew you loved him too. But, that was also the moment he saw how much the love you shared was destroying you. He saw how much pain his love was causing you.

“But, I”, he sighed, pleading, shouting at you to stay with his eyes, “I don’t know how to forget you, (Y/n)”, he choked out. You opened your mouth to say something but quickly closed it. You looked at him for a moment longer. 

“Well try.” You turned and walked out of the room, willing your trembling legs to support you until he couldn’t see you anymore. 

Spencer wanted to follow you. He wanted to grab your shoulders and tell you that it was okay to give in to the feelings you were so afraid of. But instead, he stayed there in the empty bed and looked at the scrunched up sheets that once caressed your body.

You opened the door to his apartment and stepped out just before you collapsed on the ground in the hallway. You choked on your sobs, trying not to disturb anyone and give away your pathetic breakdown. 

Spencer finally broke down. All of your memories together replayed in his head. He tried to figure out how everything went so wrong so fast. He wished he never said those three words. He wished you were still next to him. He let his gasps consume the room as he cursed himself for letting you walk away.

You leaned your head back against his closed door and pleaded that he would come after you. You didn’t know why, but you couldn’t help it. You had given him every reason to hate you, and you knew that. He had no reason to ever want to see you again. You scolded yourself because this is what you wanted. You caused this, yet, you couldn’t quell the voice in your head that yearned for him to open the door. You wanted him to pull you off the dusty wood floor and pull you into his chest. 

Spencer tried to calm himself down. He tried to convince himself that he could get through this, that he could move on. He tried to imagine a future that didn’t include waking up next to you every morning. But, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t. Despite his vast knowledge of the theory of the multiverse, he could not fathom a single reality in which his future didn’t include you. He rushed off the bed and headed towards the door, praying you hadn’t left yet.

You waited, arguing with yourself that he was coming, that he wouldn’t give up on you. But, when your violent sobs became a weak whimper and you were still alone, you realized he wasn’t coming. You got off the ground, trying to maintain your balance through your blurry vision, and left.

Spencer placed his hand on the cool metal of the doorknob and flung the door open. He frantically whipped his head around, searching for you in the hallway. When he didn’t see you, he quickly ran down the stairs towards the parking lot. But, when he got there, your car was gone along with you. He collapsed to his knees, the cold night air pricking his flush skin. He sighed in disbelief as tears began to fall down his face once again. You really left, he thought to himself, you didn’t love him and you had left.


	2. Frayed Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and Reader have a friends with benefits arrangement. The only problem is, they both have feelings for each other. After Reader ends things between the two of them, they are both heartbroken, yearning in silence for the other.

Spencer walked into the bullpen the next morning, his bloodshot eyes sulking into the deep bags that hung below. He wanted to stay home and just bury himself beneath a mountain of blankets, but he didn’t want to give you that too. He had given you everything. He poured his heart out for you, placing it into your hands, only for you to throw it away. He hated that you left, he hated that you ended things, and he hated that he would have to work with you every day, knowing there was nothing he could do but wallow in his hurt. But he didn’t hate you.

No matter how much he wanted to, he could never hate you. But he sure could hate himself.

He couldn’t let you know that, however. He couldn’t let you know how you destroyed him. How when you stormed out of his apartment less than six hours ago, you took all of him with you. He needed to be strong.

His plan was simple. Avoid you at all costs. It was easier said than done, however, considering your desks were across from one another. He slumped down into his desk chair, busying himself with paperwork, not daring to look up, no matter how much he was itching to spy on the glass doors.

You grasped onto Emily’s hand in the elevator, willing the tears that threatened to breach your waterline to stay at bay. She gave your shoulder a gentle nudge, silently asking if you were okay. Taking in a deep breath, you nodded, breathing out as the elevator doors opened. 

You had made your choice and Spencer had made his. All you could do now was focus on your work, and try not to break down every five seconds like you had been all night.

When you walked into the bullpen, you saw Spencer hunched over his desk, not even sparing a glance up. You didn’t blame him. He had every right to be mad at you and hate you. You sighed, slowly making your way to your desk across from him. 

You gripped the back of your chair, slowly pulling it out in an attempt to be as quiet as possible. After setting your bag down on the ground and pulling out some files, you granted yourself a moment to look at Spencer. His eyes were trained on the documents in front of him, never faltering from their vertical trajectory. He had a slight scowl on his face, his eyebrows scrunched and his lips pursed. You knew him, and you knew he was hurting. The pang of guilt rose in your chest, clawing its way around your throat. Its grip tightened, pushing the tears from behind your eyelids. You cleared your throat, hoping that it would mask the silent tears that trailed down your cheeks. 

Upon hearing you, Spencer immediately looked up, only to be met with you avoiding his gaze. Your head was down, causing your hair to drape around your face, hiding it from him. He scoffed before aggressively shoving his chair back.

“Spen-,” you choked out at his abrupt movement. But, before you could finish, he had walked away, not even sparing a glance back at you. You sighed in defeat, wiping away the tears that burned your face. _ Fine, _ you thought to yourself, _ if he wants space, he can have space. He can have whatever he wants. _ The sad part was, you knew Spencer could have whatever he wants, and he had made it abundantly clear that it wasn’t you.

Spencer was bubbling with rage, fueled by the pain he was trying to quell.  _ How dare you waltz in here and sit across from him as if nothing happened. You were the one who left. You were the one who said it was over.  _ Spencer ran his hand across his face in frustration as he approached the kitchen. His feet faltered at the doorway, however, when he heard hushed voices coming from within.

“What’s up with (Y/l/n)?” Derek asked. Spencer felt his heart stop at the mention of your name.  _ She broke my heart and wants to pretend that nothing happened is what’s up _ , he thought in spite.

“She said things ended with this guy she was seeing,” Emily said, sympathy lacing her voice. “She came to my place crying last night, and she didn’t stop until the car ride this morning”. A frown made its way across Spencer’s face at Emily’s hushed words. Despite how much pain he was feeling, it hurt, even more, to know you were upset. He still loved you, no matter how hard he tried not to. Spencer took a deep breath, finally walking into the kitchen.

“Hey kid, what’s up?” Derek asked, turning away from Emily.

“Coffee,” he smiled weakly, motioning towards the cupboard. Emily and Derek nodded as they began to make their way back to the bullpen.

“Did (Y/n) say who this idiot is?” Derek inquired, “Because if I need to go pay someone a visit, I will.” Spencer rolled his eyes as he grabbed a mug.

“No,” Emily replied with a shrug. “But she said she still loves him, so I don’t think a visit is necessary,” she smirked. Both Emily and Derek turned around, hearing a loud crash on the counter.

“Reid, you okay?” Emily asked. Both she and Derek looked at him with concern as his hands fumbled to pick up the mug.

“Y-yeah, um,” he said, placing it down on the counter, “w-what exactly did she say? A-about the guy-- the t-the guy she loves?” He looked at them with eager eyes, and he could feel his head buzzing.

“Not much else,” Emily sighed, slightly confused as to why Spencer was so interested. “She said she loves him but she can’t be with him, and she was really distraught so I didn’t want to push her any further.”

“Oh o-okay,” Spencer nodded, “thanks.” He brushed past both of them, hastily walking back to his desk.

“Your coffee…” Emily called out, but it was no use. Spencer’s head was spinning, and all he could hear were the thousands of thoughts consuming his mind. You loved him. You still love him. He wanted to run up to you and just kiss you. He wanted to forget everything and just hold you. But, one of the downsides of having an eidetic memory, is that he can’t just forget. He can’t forget the pain in your eyes when you told him you guys were over. He can’t forget the countless hours he spent crying over you, and apparently you him. He wants to be with you, but he doesn’t think he could handle another rejection.

He sits back down at his desk, causing you to look up. You open your mouth, about to say something, but you think better of it. You already put him through so much, and he doesn’t deserve to be strung along. It’s best that you just let him be.

The rest of the day drags on, both of you averting your eyes, trying your best to ignore the other. With every tick of the clock, the silence becomes less deafening. The chattering hum of the office slowly filling your senses. For a moment, you almost forget about the person on the other side of the desk. But just for a moment.

Out of habit, when something Spencer was reading reminded him of something he read in a journal last week, he looked up, wanting to share it with his best friend. You gasped, looking up at his sudden movement, the normalcy of it all washing over you. Spencer opened his mouth, but you could see the gears turning in his mind, as he remembered who he was looking at. His lips rejoined, forming a faint frown as you both sat there, looking into each other's eyes for the first time since you told him to try and forget you.

In the split second that you hold each other's gaze, all the emotions from the previous night come flooding back to your heads. You can still feel Spencer’s hands gripping your skin, his hot breath on your neck as he moaned that he loved you. But, you can also feel the anxiety coursing through your veins at the thought.

Spencer can still feel the way your thumb would brush against his cheek as he looked into your beautiful eyes. The sound of you moaning his name and how soft and warm her skin was still replaying in his head. Looking into your eyes, he could feel all of his love for you grow. But, with every ounce of love he felt, it was followed by a cascade of doubt and betrayal.

Just as palpable as the love between both of you was, the fear and pain pierce it just the same. The uncertainty of the moment held you both, stuck in between wanting to just let go and come together, but also wanting to run and hide. The dreadful reality being, that whether your hearts collide or grow further apart, they will shatter nonetheless. You were two oppositely charged atoms, attracting one another. When you are apart, you are drawn together, the pull undeniable. But, when you get close enough, one of you will be ripped apart so the other can survive, and neither of you was prepared to do that to the other.

Quickly, you both looked down, dread and regret consuming you. Spencer got up to finally make himself a coffee, fearing he would burst out in tears if he stayed any longer. He can’t take it anymore. He can’t look at you and pretend that he’s fine. He knows you aren't either, but that doesn’t change anything. You were the one to tell him to forget about you. But what you didn’t understand was that he couldn’t. Every time he closed his eyes, trying to escape the reality of you in his life, he was only met with you clouding his dreams. You were everywhere, and even if he could, he’s not so sure he would want that to change.

Watching Spencer walk away for the second time today was too much. Once he was out of sight, already feeling tears trickle down your face, you wiped them away, heading straight for the bathroom. You closed the door behind you, locking it before you sunk to the ground. You gasped, trying to hold back the boulder of sobs that had been building in your throat throughout the day. You wished so badly that you could just give in. You wanted to fall into his arms. But you couldn’t. Instead, you found yourself constantly falling to the ground, choking back tears for a man you loved with your entire being. But he could never know that.

When Spencer makes it to the kitchen, he lets out an aggressive sigh, roughly turning on the coffee maker. His fingers grip the edge of the counter, the pain from his white knuckles a welcomed comfort from the pain that had been throbbing in his chest all day. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath, letting his tears fall freely. When he opened them, he reached for the mug from earlier that still sat on the counter. With shaking hands, he picked it up, looking at it and letting out a pathetic whimper. 

He rubbed his thumb across the slightly worn decal on it, and a weak smile graced his lips. You had gotten this mug for him a while back. The team was away on a case and the precinct only had styrofoam coffee cups. After ten days working on that case and it still not being over, you had joked with him that he had probably deforested an entire country at that point. The next morning, you had walked in with a ceramic coffee cup, with the words ‘Best Grandma’ written on it. You had smiled, claiming it was the only one the pharmacy across from the hotel had in stock. Spencer smiled nonetheless, grateful you had thought about him. That night you two slept together for the first time, starting the whole arrangement.

Spencer admired the mug through glossy eyes, reminiscing on all of your memories together. Sure, you weren’t perfect, but to Spencer, you were the most beautiful, funny, and caring person he had ever met. He loved you. There was no denying that. He loved you, and he wanted his friend back. He would wait for you as long as it took, even if it was forever. 

Placing the mug down on the counter, he grabbed a second one from the shelves, filling them both with coffee. He filled one with cream and a spoonful of brown sugar, just the way you like it, before filing his with a Spencer approved amount of sugar. He picked up both mugs, taking a deep breath before he walked back into the bullpen.

When he reached your desks, he noticed you were missing. He sat down, placing your mug on your desk. He nursed his drink, pretending to focus on paperwork as he waited for you to return.

After a few more minutes, he turned, hearing the door to the bathroom swing open. He watched as you slipped out. Despite your best efforts to keep your head down, he could see the red splotches that surrounded your bloodshot eyes.

You slid back into your desk chair, your eyes focused on the ground. At first, you didn’t notice the mug on your desk, but the smell of coffee slowly wafted over, filling your senses. Hesitantly, you looked up, seeing the cup of coffee. Spence peaked above his mug, looking back down so you wouldn’t notice. You did, however. You noticed everything about him. A shy smile crept over half your face, and you picked up the mug, cradling it in both your hands. You brought it up to your lips, taking a small sip. Spence did the same, both of you glancing at the other from behind your mugs. Although the other couldn’t tell, you both had a slight smile on your lips. You placed the mug back down, Spencer following suit. 

You didn’t speak for the rest of the day, but it was a comfortable silence that fell over the two of you. The sound of your beating hearts mixed with the flipping pages and scrawling pens, melding into the gentle buzz of the office that filled the room. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. You may no longer be tangled in each other, but you were closer than you were at the beginning of the day, and that was enough.


	3. Tying the Knot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer tries to fix things between them and convince Reader to let down her guard and let herself love him.

Spencer sat on the subway alone that night, his mind swarming with thoughts of you. When he saw you smiling earlier today, he knew he never wanted to see it fade, and that he would do whatever he could to make sure it stayed like that. 

He loved you. There was no denying that. He felt horrible that you thought he didn’t love you because that was the farthest from the truth. He needed to tell you how he really felt. He couldn’t live with himself otherwise, knowing that you thought he really meant it when he said it was just sex. It was never just sex, at least not to him. It was never just anything when it came to you.

That night, he decided to write you a letter explaining everything. He came to the conclusion that it was the safest option, and if things went in an unfavorable manner, it was the easiest medium to recover from and pretend nothing happened.

So, that’s how Spencer found himself sat up at his desk all night, crumped paper littering his floor, as he tried to pour all his feelings for you onto a piece of paper. Needless to say, he didn’t get much sleep that night.

The next morning, Spencer gently placed the cream envelope on your desk, fiddling with the corners to make sure it was noticeable. He looked around the room, feeling his heart rate increase. How would you react? Would you throw it away and never talk to him again or would you realize that you love him too? Spencer told himself he would be okay either way, so long as you knew how he felt. He didn’t want to hide his feelings from you. He knew you were it for him, and he would love you for the rest of his life. And if he would have to hold his unrequited love for you for the rest of eternity, he would do so happily, knowing that he was honest with you and gave it his all. He couldn’t live with himself, thinking you didn’t know the extent of his feelings for you. Trying to calm his nerves, he ran his thumb along the pads of his fingers. Not wanting to be here when you read the letter, he heads to the bathroom when he hears the ding of the elevator.

Taking a deep breath, you walked into the bullpen. You had already survived one day of heartache, what’s one more? Sure, with every breath you took, you could still hear Spencer’s last words to you piercing your lungs: “ _ I didn’t mean it. It’s just sex _ .” And every time you closed your eyes, you were met with his cold, rigid frame walking away from you, as if you meant nothing to him. Which apparently was the case. How could you be so stupid and think he actually meant it. But, it doesn’t even matter now, because no matter how much you want to blame this on Spencer, you can’t. Yes, he broke the rules, but you were the one who left. You were the one who took a heat of the moment slip up and blew it out of proportion and pushed away the one good thing in your life.

When you got to your desk, you threw down your bag, grateful that Spencer was nowhere to be seen. Although, you would lie if you said you weren’t a bit disappointed. As you took out some paperwork from your bag, you noticed an envelope sitting on your desk next to a stack of papers. You felt your heart clench, instantly recognizing the handwriting your name was written in on the back of it. Slowly, you wedged your finger under the flap, breaking the seal. You pulled out the slightly crumpled lined paper that looked as if it had been read through a hundred times already. Letting out a small gasp, you fell into your seat, scanning the room for Spencer. Not seeing him anywhere, you held up the letter with shaky hands, your watery eyes pouring over every word.

**_(Y/n),_ **

**_Throughout every book I have read and paper I have written, words never seem to fail me, that is until it comes to you. No matter how many times I try to write this, it still doesn’t feel good enough. I have read countless stories about the triumphs and tribulations of love. I have tried finding a single one that could capture even an ounce of the love I hold for you, but they all fall short._ **

**_I think that’s because, when I read the words that surround me on these dusty shelves, I am reminded of all the things I love about you. Ask me to find a poem about your beauty and I can do that with no problem. Ask me to find a book about how it feels to kiss you and make love to you, and I can reach for one without leaving this chair. But, ask me to find one that perfectly explains why I love you, and I would not be able to._ **

**_Yes, I love your beautiful smile and sparkling eyes. I love how it feels to hold you in my arms and press my lips all over your captivating body. I love everything about you, even the parts that you deem unworthy, but that is not why I love you._ **

**_I love you because, in a group of people, you are the only one I care that is laughing at my stupid jokes. I love you because when I am having a terrible day, you are the person I want to sit with me and just breathe. You are the person I trust with all my secrets, and the one person I want to share all my accomplishments with. I love you because you are the person I want to bicker with over stupid, petty things. You are the person I want to set off the fire alarm with while attempting to cook dinner and the person I want to yell at me for getting the wrong kind of milk at the grocery store. You are the person I want to wake up next to every morning, sipping our coffees in a calming silence before we head into work._ **

**_We see the darkest parts of humanity through our job. Yet, every time I look at you, I am reminded of how beautifully wonderful life can be. You make my life beautiful. And because of that, I love you._ **

**_I lied. That night, when I said that I didn’t mean it, I lied. I meant it, and I mean every word that I just wrote. (Y/n) (Y/l/n), I love you. I love you so much that it consumes every part of me. I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt my feelings for you. I will never do that again. I love you._ **

**_I know you said not to get feelings involved, but I have loved you from the first day I met you._ **

**_I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lied. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I broke our rule and that you left. But, I’m not sorry for saying it. I will never be sorry for telling you how I feel. Because I love you. I just hope that you love me too._ **

**_All my love,_ **

**_Spencer Reid_ **

Tears now covered the paper in your hands, and you threw it onto the desk, not wanting anyone to see you like this. You cupped your hand over your mouth, trying to hold back your sobs until you made it to the file room. Once inside, you collapsed onto the floor, slamming the door shut behind you. You don’t know what to feel. You are so overwhelmed and your heart is beating too fast and Spencer’s words that are replaying in your head are too loud. You don’t know what to do, so you do all you can do, and just sit there.

Spencer convinces himself that he has given you sufficient time to read the letter and that he should probably make an appearance. If not for you, then at least to actually do some work. What’s the worst that could happen? You ignore each other again? He could handle that, or so he tells himself. He just has to walk out there and sit down at his desk. He can do that.

Exiting the bathroom, his steps falter as he notices you aren’t at your desk. He walks over, noticing that the envelope had been opened. But, when he looks at the contents of the letter, his heart drops. The ink is smudged with tear stains. He didn’t mean to make you cry. That’s the last thing he wanted. He curses himself for hurting you even more and begins frantically searching the office for you.

He hears muffled sobs coming from the file room, and he reluctantly knocks on the door. After hearing nothing in response except for your continued whimpers that were sending daggers through his chest, he forces himself to open the door. When he sees your disheveled state on the ground, he gasps, feeling guilty for causing you to feel this way.

At the sound of the door opening, you turn your head, revealing your puffy eyes. Upon noticing that it was Spencer, you quickly stood up, trying to dry your cheeks. You both stood there in shock, not knowing what to say. Through your foggy eyes, you notice as tears begin to form in his sullen eyes too. Both of you looked miserable, and it broke the other’s heart. 

Spencer was the first to say something, breaking the silence. “I-I’m so sorry for making you cry, I didn’t-”

“Spence-” you cut him off. You didn’t think you could handle the sound of his pained, raspy voice. You didn’t trust yourself, not with how broken you felt inside.

“No. I just- I need to say this,” he insisted. Reluctantly, you nod, figuring it was the least you could do while trying to stop any more tears from falling. “I meant every word,” he continued, trying to meet your gaze. “A-and I don’t want to take it back, any of it. I don’t regret any of it. I-I love you (Y/n).” 

You sigh at his words, unsure of how to respond. There was no doubting what you felt about this man, but you couldn’t admit that to yourself, let alone him. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” you croaked out. You still hadn’t dared meet his eyes, but you could feel his heavy gaze penetrating into you.

“I want you to say you love me too,” he whispered. 

“You know I can’t do that.” You bit your lip as you shook your head.

“Why not?” The desperation in his voice was almost palpable. You swallowed thickly before speaking again.

“Look Spencer, I’m sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry I can’t be what you deserve, but I-”

“But that’s just it,” he interjected. “I don't need you to be anything but yourself. That’s all I need. You are all I need. I love you and I just need you to let me.”

“But Spencer, I-”

“Please,” he begged, shaking his head while on the verge of tears. “I can’t listen to you say you can’t do this. I can’t listen to you lie to me and to yourself. I know you love me too. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be here crying.” You roll your eyes, running your hand through your hair. “If I'm wrong, and you truly want me to stop, I will.”

You were silent. Spencer’s eyes searched yours for an answer, for any indication that you wanted him just as badly as he wanted you. 

“Am I wrong?” he pressed. The insecurity he was trying so hard to quell still seeped through his voice.

After another moment of silence, you looked away, blinking away more tears that fell.

“No.” you choked out, looking up at the ceiling. “God, Spencer, why do you have to make this so difficult?” You look back at him, finally meeting his gaze. “Of course I love you. How could I not?”

“Then what’s the problem?” he demanded, stepping towards you. But, you still backed away from his touch.

“Because I love you too much,” you whispered.

Spencer’s mouth opened as looked at you, confusion clouding his face. “I-I don’t understand.”

“Fuck, Spence,” you sighed, gathering your thoughts. “I can’t let you love me just so I can hurt you later on, okay? Every time I've let someone in, I end up hurting them. And I've hurt you enough already.” 

Spencer stared at you in disbelief, trying to formulate a response. At his silence, you swallowed the lump in your throat, pushing past him towards the door. Before you could, however, Spencer grabbed your wrist, pulling you back.

“I don’t care,” he whispered. His eyes bore deep into yours, his hand that still clung to your wrist was burning your skin. 

“Spence-” you scoffed, pleading with him. 

“No!” he shouted, full-on sobbing now. You reluctantly rolled your eyes again, trying not to show him how the tears that dripped down his face were plummeting straight into your heart, each one forming creators in the fragile fabric of your wounded heart. Spencer swallowed thickly before continuing. “You don’t get to decide how I feel or what I can handle, okay? That’s up to me. I love you and that’s all that matters. I don’t care if we break up in fifty years or in five weeks. I love you, just give me a chance before you give up on us. I-” he choked on a sob, “you haven’t even given me a chance”, he whimpers.

You were so close to caving in and just letting yourself give in to him. You wanted to feel his arms around you again. You desperately missed how safe and warm they made you feel.

“But what if we do break up?” you cried, looking deep into his eyes.

“Then we break up.”

“But I can’t lose you, Spence. I-I couldn’t survive it. I don’t want to know what it’s like to have you just for it all to be taken away one day”

“Who says I’m ever going to leave?” Your mouth opened and closed, you didn’t know what to say. “(Y/n), I love you. Even if we break up, I promise I will always be there for you.” He ran his hand through his hair, pacing slightly in the tiny room. “God, (Y/n), before I met you I didn’t even know it was possible to love someone this much, and I want to spend the rest of my life showing you.” He stopped moving, turning directly towards you. “But, I can only do that if you let me. I-I know it’s hard to let yourself be vulnerable, but I promise I’m here to catch you. It’s okay if you want to go slow, I’m willing to wait as long as you need. I just need you to not act like it’s over before we’ve even started.”

“I-I don’t know…”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t know, okay?”, you snapped, looking up at him

“What are you so afraid of?”

“Everything Spencer!” you admitted a bit too loudly. “Everything…” you sobbed, collapsing. Spencer rushed forward, catching you in his arms. He wrapped his arms tightly around your back, supporting you. He ran his hands up and down your back, trying to soothe your muffled cries that stained his shirt. He could feel his own tears running down his face, but at that moment, he didn’t care about anything but holding you, so he let them roll down his face and into your hair. 

Your mind was racing, voicing screaming at you to leave and never look back. They told you that you were only hurting him more and that you were ruining everything. 

But, when you felt Spencer’s gentle hands roaming your back and his soft hushes brushing against your ear, you had never felt safer. When you had finally calmed down and your breath steadied, you pulled back slightly so you could look at him. You stared at Spencer, into his deep amber eyes. For the first time, you didn’t see all the ways you could destroy him and lose everything. Instead, you saw a future. You saw all the possible ways in which you could love him and share a life together. Slowly, after taking a deep breath, you nodded your head.

“Okay”, you whispered.

Spencer’s face lit up upon hearing you. “Yeah?” he asked, weary that one wrong move would send you running.

“Yeah,” you smiled, falling back into his open arms. He wrapped his arms tightly around you, never wanting to let you go. He sighed in relief and kissed the top of your head while rubbing your back. Your arms tightened around his neck as you lifted your head to his ear. He could feel your warm breath on his neck, sending comforting shivers down his spine.

“I love you too,” you breathed into his ear. You pulled back slightly, but before you could do anything, Spencer smashed hip lips onto yours. He kissed you with such passion, that swore you felt your heart become physically tethered to his. 

When you finally broke apart, desperate for air, you looked at each other, both standing there with glassy eyes, reflecting each other's smiles. You held one another in comfortable silence, knowing that regardless of what uncertainties the future held, it would be okay, because Spencer loves you, and you love him.

  
  
  



End file.
